my life right now is full of confused thoughts.. about my work.. about this guy i met while i was away for months before.. about my room.. my plans.. my future.. but even if there’s a lot of confusion right now.. i still manage to stay sane.. that is, if my definition of sanity is the same as that of yours.. being sane is being able to still go to work.. being able to think at work.. being able to sleep.. not having to think about crazy thoughts.. being able to do things i need to do and not like before when i was just sit in one corner doing nothing.. thinking of nothing.. like everything was blank..
my work right now is full of unjust, unfair instances making me want to rebel.. and i do have this rebellious nature.. maybe i should just quit it.. and take this other offer.. but i really wonder why haven’t i reached my “tipping point”.. why of all the bad instances, i still try to reconsider.. what is holding me back from resigning.. wait, i know.. i hate change.. leaving my old work would mean.. a big change in my life.. and taking this new offer would mean a bigger change.. change is like starting from square one.. and i hate it.. i think i just need a little “push” like if i’m at my tipping point, i could just fall and drop on a greener land..
i really don’t want to talk about this guy i met.. ‘cause there's nothing really going on between us, i think.. we never really talked about it.. it’s just that our friends are like expecting a lot from us.. i don’t want to disappoint them but i’m thinking they might.. but i don’t know.. he said we’ll just talk about everything when he gets back.. so i guess i’ll just update all of you on this one.. maybe next year.. right now, i ‘m planning on staying away from him.. just to keep a safe distance.. he’s not at all this perfect guy of my dreams.. nobody’s perfect anyway.. he has flaws.. like everyone in the world including me.. it’s just that he made me happy..
my room.. has been messy for ages.. end of story..
regarding my plans and my future.. still like before.. i don’t have one.. i’m thinking i’d quit my work.. take this new offer.. and see what happens.. and maybe i’ll push through with my plans on buying this house with the extra savings I’ll get from this new job offer.. i’m supposed to get that house this year but i had to loan money for a friend before.. and he promised to pay in full by this year but he didn’t.. so right now, i manage to breakeven with my small income and daily expenses.. ‘cause i’m still paying for that loan.. anyway, i promised myself that i won’t depend that much on money.. that money shouldn’t be a major factor on my decision making.. ‘cause life is not all about money..
sorry if i have been away from blogging these past few months.. there were a lot of diversions which i don’t think would matter.. so i don’t have to tell them all here.. besides, i hate explaining myself.. what matters is that i am back.. yet, i don’t know if i have changed or if i am different now.. but i still feel hollow.. empty.. like there’s this something i don’t know what that’s lacking in my life.. i really don’t have any direction.. i don’t know what i’m suppose to do.. what i plan to do.. like i have no dreams.. i’ve never really thought of the future.. i keep on asking myself “what do i want?” and i can’t seem to answer it.. so i was gone for work.. and i earned a few money i can call savings.. but what for? i don’t even know what i am saving for.. maybe i should make a list of things i want to have and things i want to do.. but then, i can actually go on with my life without having those things.. i’m not materialistic.. i can even imagine myself living in poverty and still be like this.. like i don’t really care at all.. ok, i think i need to go back to my previous post on “
