confusion

my life right now is full of confused thoughts.. about my work.. about this guy i met while i was away for months before.. about my room.. my plans.. my future.. but even if there’s a lot of confusion right now.. i still manage to stay sane.. that is, if my definition of sanity is the same as that of yours.. being sane is being able to still go to work.. being able to think at work.. being able to sleep.. not having to think about crazy thoughts.. being able to do things i need to do and not like before when i was just sit in one corner doing nothing.. thinking of nothing.. like everything was blank..

my work right now is full of unjust, unfair instances making me want to rebel.. and i do have this rebellious nature.. maybe i should just quit it.. and take this other offer.. but i really wonder why haven’t  i reached my “tipping point”.. why of all the bad instances, i still try to reconsider.. what is holding me back from resigning.. wait, i know.. i hate change.. leaving my old work would mean.. a big change in my life.. and taking this new offer would mean a bigger change.. change is like starting from square one.. and i hate it.. i think i just need a little “push” like if i’m at my tipping point, i could just fall and drop on a greener land..

i really don’t want to talk about this guy i met.. ‘cause there's nothing really going on between us, i think.. we never really talked about it.. it’s just that our friends are like expecting a lot from us.. i don’t want to disappoint them but i’m thinking they might.. but i don’t know.. he said we’ll just talk about everything when he gets back.. so i guess i’ll just update all of you on this one.. maybe next year.. right now, i ‘m planning on staying away from him.. just to keep a safe distance.. he’s not at all this perfect guy of my dreams.. nobody’s perfect anyway.. he has flaws.. like everyone in the world including me.. it’s just that he made me happy..

my room.. has been messy for ages.. end of story..

regarding my plans and my future.. still like before.. i don’t have one.. i’m thinking i’d quit my work.. take this new offer.. and see what happens.. and maybe i’ll push through with my plans on buying this house with the extra savings I’ll get from this new job offer.. i’m supposed to get that house this year but i had to loan money for a friend before.. and he promised to pay in full by this year but he didn’t.. so right now, i manage to breakeven with my small income and daily expenses.. ‘cause i’m still paying for that loan.. anyway, i promised myself that i won’t depend that much on money.. that money shouldn’t be a major factor on my decision making.. ‘cause life is not all about money..

i am back

sorry if i have been away from blogging these past few months.. there were a lot of diversions which i don’t think would matter.. so i don’t have to tell them all here.. besides, i hate explaining myself.. what matters is that i am back.. yet, i don’t know if i have changed or if i am different now.. but i still feel hollow.. empty.. like there’s this something i don’t know what that’s lacking in my life.. i really don’t have any direction.. i don’t know what i’m suppose to do.. what i plan to do.. like i have no dreams.. i’ve never really thought of the future.. i keep on asking myself “what do i want?” and i can’t seem to answer it.. so i was gone for work.. and i earned a few money i can call savings.. but what for? i don’t even know what i am saving for.. maybe i should make a list of things i want to have and things i want to do.. but then, i can actually go on with my life without having those things.. i’m not materialistic.. i can even imagine myself living in poverty and still be like this.. like i don’t really care at all.. ok, i think i need to go back to my previous post on “meaningful life”  ‘cause i seem to be getting “lost again”..

what happened..

ok i have no excuse or explanation as to what happened to my blog.. it’s just that i don’t know what happened.. my mind just simply went blank.. like as if i have nothing to say.. but i have been trying to think about what to do with this blog.. and decided to delete all posts about my past.. and a friend told me to stop dwelling on the past.. and i listened to him.. although i don’t know of any one person that really knows my past 100% but those are the past.. they really shouldn’t matter now.. so expect that i’ll write about what’s current from now on.. well, except for my old poems.. i kept them posted..

from a notebook

i saw this old notebook of mine with a message written in it..

there are times i feel alone and i cry.. and i will suddenly start to lose hope and eventually i will stop to love and stop to care.. my heart will stop beating.. i’ll be dead.. yet i’m not.. i’ll be lifeless and nothing will matter.. each day will pass by and i’ll be doing nothing except to wait for my end to come..

i can’t remember what made me write this or if i were the one who really wrote this.. i just think it’s something worth sharing..

going down the stairs

sometimes when i go down the stairs.. i would see myself lying down at the other end.. covered with blood.. like as if i fell down.. and died.. it doesn’t really scare me.. ‘cause i’m used to it.. and i think maybe, it’s my way of telling myself to be careful when i go down..

my poems

i’ve been posting some of my poems here since i started blogging.. they are actually old poems.. that serve as blog post fillers like filler episodes in an anime.. although they were written years ago.. and they do not directly reflect my present situation, emotions, feelings.. still, they are good to share..

i don’t remember the last time i wrote a poem.. i think most of my poems were written back then when i was still “hobby-hopping”.. i’d jump from one hobby to another.. trying to see which one i would really enjoy doing.. and still, i haven’t found yet which one.. believe me, i’ve tried a lot of hobbies out there except the sports related ones.. i’m not good with any sport.. so now, blogging is my new hobby.. it’s just a month old.. and i hope this isn’t a hobby i’m just hopping into and out from..

meaningful life

a guidance counselor once asked me.. what is my greatest dream.. and i answered her.. i want to be a saint.. i know a lot of people will laugh at this.. like my classmates did.. but what i really meant that time was.. i want to help people.. i want to have a meaningful life.. this is what i have been thinking.. i do not want to spend my life trying to be a successful engineer.. trying to learn everything.. trying to get rich.. trying to please the people around me and yet what i do doesn’t really make me happy.. i want to have meaning in everything i do.. but i can’t seem to find any.. and i can’t seem to find any sense with what i am doing.. with my work.. with my life.. with everything.. why am i here?

my family

here i am wanting to remain anonymous and yet i talk more about myself here (my blog) than to any people i know.. i was never close to anyone in my family.. not one of them really know me.. yet i am okay with it.. i am used to being this way.. alone.. so whenever i have a problem.. it’s just me.. no one else from my family would know.. i never knew why i had secluded myself from them.. or what even started it.. i just felt that i don’t belong at home.. that i don’t even belong in this world..

i wanted to write more about them but there isn’t really much to talk about..