confusion

my life right now is full of confused thoughts.. about my work.. about this guy i met while i was away for months before.. about my room.. my plans.. my future.. but even if there’s a lot of confusion right now.. i still manage to stay sane.. that is, if my definition of sanity is the same as that of yours.. being sane is being able to still go to work.. being able to think at work.. being able to sleep.. not having to think about crazy thoughts.. being able to do things i need to do and not like before when i was just sit in one corner doing nothing.. thinking of nothing.. like everything was blank..

my work right now is full of unjust, unfair instances making me want to rebel.. and i do have this rebellious nature.. maybe i should just quit it.. and take this other offer.. but i really wonder why haven’t  i reached my “tipping point”.. why of all the bad instances, i still try to reconsider.. what is holding me back from resigning.. wait, i know.. i hate change.. leaving my old work would mean.. a big change in my life.. and taking this new offer would mean a bigger change.. change is like starting from square one.. and i hate it.. i think i just need a little “push” like if i’m at my tipping point, i could just fall and drop on a greener land..

i really don’t want to talk about this guy i met.. ‘cause there's nothing really going on between us, i think.. we never really talked about it.. it’s just that our friends are like expecting a lot from us.. i don’t want to disappoint them but i’m thinking they might.. but i don’t know.. he said we’ll just talk about everything when he gets back.. so i guess i’ll just update all of you on this one.. maybe next year.. right now, i ‘m planning on staying away from him.. just to keep a safe distance.. he’s not at all this perfect guy of my dreams.. nobody’s perfect anyway.. he has flaws.. like everyone in the world including me.. it’s just that he made me happy..

my room.. has been messy for ages.. end of story..

regarding my plans and my future.. still like before.. i don’t have one.. i’m thinking i’d quit my work.. take this new offer.. and see what happens.. and maybe i’ll push through with my plans on buying this house with the extra savings I’ll get from this new job offer.. i’m supposed to get that house this year but i had to loan money for a friend before.. and he promised to pay in full by this year but he didn’t.. so right now, i manage to breakeven with my small income and daily expenses.. ‘cause i’m still paying for that loan.. anyway, i promised myself that i won’t depend that much on money.. that money shouldn’t be a major factor on my decision making.. ‘cause life is not all about money..

extra time

i don’t know what’s keeping me so busy.. like i don’t have extra time.. time to write on my blog, time to clean up my room, time to work out, time to do the things i’m supposed to do.. like as if a whole day isn’t 24 hours anymore.. and i’m finding it hard to look for time to do the things i wanted to do.. even my weekends when i have no work.. time flies so fast.. and i don’t know where i spent it on..  i think there is really something wrong.. it’s either the earth had been rotating faster.. or i had been living my life at a slower pace..

i am back

sorry if i have been away from blogging these past few months.. there were a lot of diversions which i don’t think would matter.. so i don’t have to tell them all here.. besides, i hate explaining myself.. what matters is that i am back.. yet, i don’t know if i have changed or if i am different now.. but i still feel hollow.. empty.. like there’s this something i don’t know what that’s lacking in my life.. i really don’t have any direction.. i don’t know what i’m suppose to do.. what i plan to do.. like i have no dreams.. i’ve never really thought of the future.. i keep on asking myself “what do i want?” and i can’t seem to answer it.. so i was gone for work.. and i earned a few money i can call savings.. but what for? i don’t even know what i am saving for.. maybe i should make a list of things i want to have and things i want to do.. but then, i can actually go on with my life without having those things.. i’m not materialistic.. i can even imagine myself living in poverty and still be like this.. like i don’t really care at all.. ok, i think i need to go back to my previous post on “meaningful life”  ‘cause i seem to be getting “lost again”..

the real me

i haven’t really posted something about what i have been up to..  ‘cause i think there isn’t really anything going on that’s worth writing about..  although, there are a few.. i just didn’t feel like writing about them.. this is the real me.. quiet.. and selfish.. i don’t know why it’s hard for me to share myself to others.. sometimes i think maybe the reason i feel hollow or empty inside is that i am not really sharing myself.. i do not make any links or connections at all.. i’ll force myself to write more and maybe learn to open up..

what happened..

ok i have no excuse or explanation as to what happened to my blog.. it’s just that i don’t know what happened.. my mind just simply went blank.. like as if i have nothing to say.. but i have been trying to think about what to do with this blog.. and decided to delete all posts about my past.. and a friend told me to stop dwelling on the past.. and i listened to him.. although i don’t know of any one person that really knows my past 100% but those are the past.. they really shouldn’t matter now.. so expect that i’ll write about what’s current from now on.. well, except for my old poems.. i kept them posted..

Lifeless

You were the reason that I believe in love
And that I see the light up above
And now my heart is full of bitterness
I'm living a life in darkness

The twinkle in my eyes
Turned to tears, frozen into ice
The light inside me
Is fading away so slowly

Love has taken life away from me
I've lost hope, my future ceased to be
Nothing... not even time
Could bring back life that was once mine

Untrue Love

Living in lies
Our love soon dies
Hoping in forever
Never meant for each other

Falling apart
Cold empty hearts
Losing touch
Never loved you that much

Feeling of regret
We had ever met
Time wasted
On a love that was never meant

from a notebook

i saw this old notebook of mine with a message written in it..

there are times i feel alone and i cry.. and i will suddenly start to lose hope and eventually i will stop to love and stop to care.. my heart will stop beating.. i’ll be dead.. yet i’m not.. i’ll be lifeless and nothing will matter.. each day will pass by and i’ll be doing nothing except to wait for my end to come..

i can’t remember what made me write this or if i were the one who really wrote this.. i just think it’s something worth sharing..

Hello Kitty joins Earth Day 2010

April 22.. Earth Day 2010..

i really care about the environment.. and it hurts to see how much of it is slowly being destroyed.. seeing how worse the pollution has become every time i travel to work..  how evident is the effects of climate change.. how much worse the problem on garbage has become.. clearly, we need to take action.. every small contribution helps.. like conserving water and energy.. the 3R’s (reduce, recycle, and reuse).. make an effort now.. before it’s too late..

this is actually one of my artworks before.. one of the products of my “hobby-hopping”.. i really like painting landscapes and sceneries then.. and i’m actually thinking of trying it out again.. so if the environment gets destroyed.. what will inspire me to paint?

Earth Day 2010! Do your part!

pretensions

i may sometimes seem happy.. like i have no problems at all.. or i do not worry about anything.. especially with my calm nature.. but that’s just me.. i don’t want people to worry about me.. i try my best not to be a burden to people i care about.. even to a point that i had to pretend i’m ok even if i’m not.. that i’m happy even if i have been happy only for a few times in my life.. that i can handle everything even if they seem too much for me.. i’ll manage.. and if i can’t.. i can always ask for help from my friends..

my boring weekend

i spent my weekend inside my room.. doing nothing but sleep, watch some anime, sleep, leave my room to eat, and sleep again.. i was even unable to post anything on my blog except for the “filler” poem.. i failed to finish cleaning my room.. i got lazy to do laundry.. it was a very unproductive weekend..

Life Without You

Lost in a deserted town
Alone in the dark, never been so down
My mind filled with empty spaces
My heart dying of loneliness

Staring at nothing
It's you, I've been thinking
Feeling so restless
Without you.. I'm lifeless

in one quote

my last post was about stairs and i saw this quote..

“Change starts when someone sees the next step” – William Drayton

i was talking about stairs previously.. i had talked about change before.. but i never expect they would both appear in one quote.. it’s a really nice quote.. and i know sometimes, it’s really hard to see the next step.. not seeing it or even not having a clear vision of it seems so scary.. and keeping in mind that.. making a wrong step might make you fall down a few steps back.. but that’s life.. full of uncertainty.. we commit mistakes.. we learn from it.. we advance.. step by step.. and when we reach the top, we all fall down and die.. life is like a stair..

going down the stairs

sometimes when i go down the stairs.. i would see myself lying down at the other end.. covered with blood.. like as if i fell down.. and died.. it doesn’t really scare me.. ‘cause i’m used to it.. and i think maybe, it’s my way of telling myself to be careful when i go down..

a person of few words

blogging is a challenge for me considering that i’m a person of few words.. i’m quiet and i don’t really talk that much.. and sometimes, i have a hard time expressing my thoughts and emotions.. myself as a whole.. i have been like this ever since.. sometimes my sister would get mad at me for not reacting at all.. i wonder why there are people who can’t keep their mouth shut even for just a minute while there are some like me who can’t talk continuously for a whole minute.. they say there are two things that make up one’s personality.. nature and nurture.. some say it’s acquired through genes.. so maybe one of my parents or maybe both were as quiet as me then.. but some say our personality is influenced by environmental factors.. so maybe something happened that made me this way.. i can’t really answer why i am like this.. it’s just the way i am..

my poems

i’ve been posting some of my poems here since i started blogging.. they are actually old poems.. that serve as blog post fillers like filler episodes in an anime.. although they were written years ago.. and they do not directly reflect my present situation, emotions, feelings.. still, they are good to share..

i don’t remember the last time i wrote a poem.. i think most of my poems were written back then when i was still “hobby-hopping”.. i’d jump from one hobby to another.. trying to see which one i would really enjoy doing.. and still, i haven’t found yet which one.. believe me, i’ve tried a lot of hobbies out there except the sports related ones.. i’m not good with any sport.. so now, blogging is my new hobby.. it’s just a month old.. and i hope this isn’t a hobby i’m just hopping into and out from..

Lost Ghost

I'm worthless
I'm living a mess
I'm hopeless
No future, I guess

I'm so lost
I have no cause
I'm like a ghost
Not seen by most

meaningful life

a guidance counselor once asked me.. what is my greatest dream.. and i answered her.. i want to be a saint.. i know a lot of people will laugh at this.. like my classmates did.. but what i really meant that time was.. i want to help people.. i want to have a meaningful life.. this is what i have been thinking.. i do not want to spend my life trying to be a successful engineer.. trying to learn everything.. trying to get rich.. trying to please the people around me and yet what i do doesn’t really make me happy.. i want to have meaning in everything i do.. but i can’t seem to find any.. and i can’t seem to find any sense with what i am doing.. with my work.. with my life.. with everything.. why am i here?

Still

Still in my heart
The love wouldn't part
Still on my mind
Memories from behind

Still in my dreams
You have always been
Still within my soul
There is a hole

Still want to tell you
How I love you so

my rebellious nature

yes, i have tendency to rebel.. even though it rarely happens.. ‘cause i have the patience of a saint.. but when provoked.. i have the rebellious nature of a worst villain.. and i know i am even capable of stabbing someone at the back.. and i can make someone’s life really miserable.. but this is just temporary.. ‘cause i hate the feeling of hating someone.. it’s too much burden on me.. but although it will be temporary thing.. it can be your worst nightmare and most traumatic experience ever.. let this be a warning.. don’t provoke a kitty.. ‘cause i can turn from a cute, lovable, little kitty.. into a fierce, wild and rebellious tiger.. i'm not a martyr after all..